Wonder...

Three weeks to go:

I awoke this morning contemplating my upcoming journey, as I usually do lately, wondering about the gifts which will reveal themselves along the way. While I'm not completely sure why I've been guided to this path, I have some ideas. However, I still wonder if I will find whatever it is I am really looking for.

I have to admit, I do worry now and then, what if I don't find it? I expect some life-changing experiences along the trail, but will they be enough? What if I find what I'm looking for but don't recognize its significance? What if some life-changing epiphany presents itself, right in front of me, clear as day...and I don't see it?

For you folks who can go on, day by day, taking life's experiences as they come and weighing their relative importance accordingly, I envy you. I really, really do. As for myself, I loathe my self-deprecating, contemplative nature which can, in an instant, transform a most beautiful experience into one of dread and dispair. That in itself is a gift, I realize...albeit, one which I find it difficult to control and wish I did not have.

So this morning, I worry, about whether or not this six month journey will take me where I really need to go and if, at the end, I will find what it is I really need to find when I get there.