My Dad...

I'm really missing my dad this morning. He died 5 years ago from emphysema.

It was really only the last 10 years before he passed that we started to get close - You see the males in our family are quite independent and not overtly expressive with our emotions. It wasn't until I was about 30 that I started telling him that I loved him often, and it wasn't until I was about 35 that he started telling me using the words. I never doubted his love for me, or my brother and sister and mom. It's just that when we told him, he would respond with "you too" and a smile. We knew what it meant. But there's something about the words...even from a father.

As a kid, and even today, I'm somewhat rebellious. Heck, it takes someone independent and rebellious to survive in the woods for six months, but even in my jobs, I would sometimes have a problem with authority and get in trouble for speaking my mind. More than once I was told by a boss, "Ron, it's not what you say.. it's HOW you say it." So when I finally grew up and started realizing that my parents weren't saying things to me to nag me, I really came to appreciate their wisdom.

Those of you who know me, know that I dance to the beat of a different drummer. As a result, my worldview on some things might seem a bit strange to some people. But lately, some of life's challenges have been throwing me for a loop. It's times like this that I really, really miss my dad.

When my dad died, I wrote the eulogy for his funeral. Here is what I wrote:

It was raining outside my window that morning, when our father
passed away. While an inconvenience to many, the sign of rain in our
family has always been a sign of hope and good luck. This rain in
fact, was our father’s way of reassuring us that his passing was both a
safe one...and a joyous one. The limits imposed on him by his frail
and weak body were finally gone. It was later that morning that I
started thinking of the words that would soon make up this eulogy.

It was actually quite easy to write about my dad... much easier than it
was for him to teach Ellen and I algebra, or how to balance a
checkbook. To this day, I don’t know how one man could have been
so patient with his children...taking each crazy thing we kids did in
stride. Unfortunately, since I was the third child, he knew all the
tricks of the trade by then from Paul and Ellen and needless to say I
didn’t get away with too much. It was also his patience that instilled
the tremendous love of animals into my brother Paul. And as a wise
man, he knew to simply nod when mom read large sections of the
newspaper to him...again.

It was hard in recent years to watch my father struggle with his
illnesses. Surely a man so kind and honorable is not deserving of the
pains he faced. Yet I have since learned that this was in fact another
lesson of his to us of the importance of friends and family. Knowing
dad, however, he is both happy that we all have joined him here
today out of love and honor, but also sad in that he probably feels
that he inconvenienced us. That’s just the way he was.

If you were to ask a weatherman what causes the rains, he would
surely speak to you of clouds, temperatures and atmospheric
conditions. But I now know that every time it rains, it’s actually a sign
from someone who has passed on telling his family that he is safe
and that he loves them.

===============================

Dad, if you are reading this by chance... I just wanted you to know that I love you and really, miss you.

Ron