Wonder...

Three weeks to go:

I awoke this morning contemplating my upcoming journey, as I usually do lately, wondering about the gifts which will reveal themselves along the way. While I'm not completely sure why I've been guided to this path, I have some ideas. However, I still wonder if I will find whatever it is I am really looking for.

I have to admit, I do worry now and then, what if I don't find it? I expect some life-changing experiences along the trail, but will they be enough? What if I find what I'm looking for but don't recognize its significance? What if some life-changing epiphany presents itself, right in front of me, clear as day...and I don't see it?

For you folks who can go on, day by day, taking life's experiences as they come and weighing their relative importance accordingly, I envy you. I really, really do. As for myself, I loathe my self-deprecating, contemplative nature which can, in an instant, transform a most beautiful experience into one of dread and dispair. That in itself is a gift, I realize...albeit, one which I find it difficult to control and wish I did not have.

So this morning, I worry, about whether or not this six month journey will take me where I really need to go and if, at the end, I will find what it is I really need to find when I get there.

Finishing

Finishing...

Any thru-hiker or prospective thru-hiker, one who hikes the whole trail in one season, knows the statistic of how many people actually finish every year.

In years past it was about 15%, but over the past 10 years, thanks to better preparation and improvements in gear technology, etc., that figure has risen to about 20-25%. This is more promising, but it still means that only one in four or five who leave with the intentions of walking the whole thing actually make it. About half who leave Springer Mountain in Georgia make the realization that it's never going to happen by the end of the first 30 miles or so. It takes the other 25%-30% another 1,000 miles or less.

For me, it's strange - The thought of not finishing has never really entered my mind. I have always seen myself visiting all of those places I've read about over the past four years, but realistically and statistically, I should be a part of the 75% who don't make it, not the 25% who do. I'm not a very experienced hiker. I'm not in particularly great shape. I haven't put anywhere near the amount of time into preparation that I could have and should have. But my ability to adapt and improvise and withstand unpleasant weather and spend large chunks of time alone are my strong points, if you can call them that.

But will that be enough?

Who am I to think I should be able to finish when so many others who were much better prepared than I, both physically and mentally, fell by the wayside? But I am stubborn, as my wife will attest. And I'm thouroughly miserable with how certain parts of my life are going to want to make a change for the better.

One or two people have suggested that I should always keep the idea of not finishing as a realistic end to this journey, and on one hand that sounds reasonable as there are countless things that could happen to derail it. But on the other hand, is that partially accepting defeat? Should I keep the idea of, "Oh well, at least I gave it my best" handy, or should I only visualize the successful summit of Kathadin in Maine over and over until it becomes reality?

I think I shall choose the latter, not out of any particular feeling of arrogance or defiance, but because I really want to complete the journey and what the journey represents.

And because I think it will be cool to see Moose in the Maine Wilderness. :)